Friday, May 29, 2009

Coming Soon: "The Final Destination"

"The Final Destination" is coming out in August (that's alittle vague)! This is the 4th installment of the "Final Destination" series. You can tell this because they added "the" to the title. As opposed to "The Fast and The Furious's" 4th installment that took out all the "the's" = "Fast and Furious". It seems no one knows the proper way to show it's the forth movie (hint: add the number 4 or IV.) I digress...

I actually enjoy watching the Final Destination movies, they aren't amazing but they are fun to watch, so I will probably end up seeing this. I would however, argue that as the series goes on, every film can't be the final destination. Technically they should be renamed.

Final Destination =
"Welcome to Flight 180"
Final Destination 2 = "On Your Left, a Terrible Highway Pileup"
Final Destination 3 = "Our Next Stop: The Amusement Park!"
The Final Destination =
"The Final Destination"
Just a thought.
All this Final Destination talk has me scared. Should I be worried about the box of knives, rusty screws, and broken glass, that's held by a rope that is about to break above my bed? Nahhh, it's just a movie, right?...

Friday, May 22, 2009

Coming Soon: New Mini-Series "Maneater"

So in the mall I work at they just put up an advertisement for "Maneater" which from what I gather is a new mini-series for Lifetime. This caught my eye because, well, the main character is hot (Sarah Chalke) and also it's probably a show I will watch. OK the second part of that sentence is a lie. One thing I find funny is that it's called "maneater." This is a bold move for lifetime, which is a network geared towards women. They created a show that revolves around cannibalism. I never knew women were so fond of cannibals. If this series stays with the theme of most lifetime shows, which is men suck, then I assume the female cannibal will eat the men but they definitely deserved it somehow.

Below is a picture of what the Maneater poster should look like if they were truthful with thier marketing...

"Hannibal, eat your heart out!"
(drums: ba dum cha!)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Gangsta 101

"Guess who. Ya miss me? Jessica Simpson sing the blog!"

Well it's been a week. Not the best one. I haven't been in the mood to be thinking comically lately. But I picked up the new Eminem CD "Relapse" yesterday (which is a awesome cd if you like Eminem pick it up!)

I was listening to "Crack a Bottle", which was the first single of the album. The chorus goes like this:

"So crack a bottle, let your body waddle
Don’t act like a snobby model you just hit the lotto
O-oh o-oh, bitches hopping in my Tahoe
Got one riding shotgun and no not one of them got gloves
Now where’s the rubbers? Whose got the rubbers?
I noticed there’s so many of themand there’s really not that many of us..."

Now, I know you may not understand what Eminem means in the chorus, but that's ok. Ya see, unlike me, you are not a "gangstar" and this is not your fault. But I'm here to help you break down the lyrics.

First - Eminem wants someone to "crack a bottle." This is a ancient ritual that we gangsta's do. We take a hammer and lightly crack a bottle of liquor, it means "good health for all."

Next he tells someone not to act like a "snobby model" because they hit the lotto. This doesn't need explaining because everyone knows that the only cure for "snobby modelism" is to hit the lottery, until then you can be a snob (even you knew that though)

He then says he has a "bitch" riding shotgun, and no one has gloves. This means he has a female dog in his front seat and no one has the special gloves that help get dog hair out of the upholstery, it's messy.

Next he asks his friend "who got the rubbers?" Simply asking where the rubbers, or condoms, are. This is because he has a girl, most likely someone who he's in love with and married to, that he is about to "make-love" to. Look, they may be rappers and they don't mind guns, drugs, and drinking - but they will not practice unsafe sex dammit!

Lastly he talks about how there are a lot of girls and not that many guys with them. They were scared OK. If they didn't find more guys, to even the guy to girl ratio, then some of them may have had to have a....3-some! - you can understand there concern I'm sure.

Well there you have it. I hope you feel educated. I hope you learned something today at "iamchrisventura" I knew all that because a ghetto friend I once had taught me a thing or two, and if you asked Eminem, Dr. Dre, or 50 cent, they would all agree that I was pretty dead on with the translation.

Well that was probably too long but oh well. Hopefully things start looking up and more post are to come soon. PEACE YO DOG G'S!?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Star Trek Thoughts


So I saw Star Trek last night and let-me-tell-you...it was OUT OF THIS WORLD!! No, really...it was in space.

I will say it was a good movie though. I thought the casting was excellent - I was afraid the actors would try to mimic the original cast, but they didn't, they made the characters their own which was nice. It blended slow dramatic parts with action sequences well. Overall I recommend the movie. It was another fun summer movie in the line of movies coming out. It seems to have brought new life back into Star Trek which will make some nerd quiet happy. I highly recommend seeing it at the IMAX rather than a traditional movie theatre, the huge screen and the rumble seats were cool. (It's the "Verizon IMAX Theatre" now, but will someone please start a company called "CL" and buy it from Verizon - that was it would be the "The CL IMAX Theatre!" Childish, but funny)

I give it 40 our of 50 stars.

Just a thought for the people who saw it, every time the bad guys were on screen I expected Mike Tyson to come strolling out from the back room.

Seperated at birth?

Monday, May 11, 2009

Transformers 2 Advertising Tips!

So in keeping with the sequel poster theme today I bring you the poster for "Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen," which comes out June 24th. This is the real poster which I saw while I was surfing the web. It's a really nice poster, definitely looks epic.

I can only imagine the meetings they had to decided on how to advertise the new movie. They probably spent days deciding on what advertising company to use. I bet they racked thier brains deciding what colors and imagery was correct to bring in a huge audience for this highly anticipated movie. Designers probably jumped out windows from all the stress trying to create a unique and powerful poster. And finally, using the most sophisticated software - and lots of money - the masters of the advertising world produced the poster above.

It's not bad, really, it does look nice. But I hate to break it to them but in a couple of minutes, for free, using simply Microsoft Paint I think I came up with a poster that would to bring in a huge audience too...


What do you think, wouldn't this make you see the movie?

FIRST LOOK: The Official "IRON MAN 2" Poster

You know that "iamchrisventura" is the number 1 place for all your movie needs! You didn't know that? Ok, maybe it's not, I'm sorry for the lies.

HOWEVER I do have the first official movie poster for "IRON MAN 2: RISE OF THE STARCH"** Robert Downey Jr. is definitely returning as Tony Starch aka Iron Man. You may question if all this is official, but I assure you I get all my information from a very reliable source. By "reliable sources" I mean I may, or may not have, made some of this info up.

Other possible title possibilities:
"Iron Man II: The Attack of the Pleats"
"Iron Man and The Chamber of Wrinkles"
"Iron Man & The Temple of Dry Cleaning"

...COMMENT if you have any more title ideas?

**THANKS NICK P. FOR THE "ATTACK OF THE PLEATS" IDEA!**

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day!

It's Mother's Day, and in the spirit of that, I thought I would post a video having to do with Mother's Day!
Roughly 5 Months after "Dick in a Box" premiered on Saturday Night Live, Justin Timberlake and Andy Sandberg are back! This time they need to find a gift for Mother's Day!
SNL DIGITAL SHORT (5/9/2009):



Damn, I wish I was as thoughtful as these guys. All I did was bake my Mom a cake. (Cake I made last night shown above - if you didn't know I was badass before, I bet you do now.)

Friday, May 8, 2009

Dangerous Texting?


I was at a convenience store today and I saw a magazine with the headline: "Is Your Teen Sexting?" I love when the news makes up a term as if it's a common term used among teens. I've never heard someone say "Oh man! I was sexting all night!"

Parents read these articles then talk to their kids like,
"Johnny, we need to talk. Have your done sexting with the cell phone device?"
Johnny says, "No, of course not. Never."

The parents are relived but what they don't know is that Johnny left the room saying to himself "what the hell is sexting? Oh well, I wonder if Jenny, Christina, or Beatrice sent my phone those sexy photos yet?" (the last one is an elderly women - he has a fetish - but that's another story all together.)

Important Note to Parents:
Look, I joke alot on this blog, but I care about the safety of teenagers in this technological driven society. So I'm going to let parents in on some other things to watch out for when your teen is using his/or her phone.


Flexting: Taking a picture of your muscles and send it via cell phone.
Mexting: Taking pictures of tacos, or other Mexican foods, and sending via cell phone.
and


T-rexting: When a dinosaur sends a picture of himself to your cell phone.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The History of "Cinco de Mayo"

Hey everybody! Happy day after Cinco de Ma----- be rrright back!! Sorry I just had to throw up. I haven't been feeling good after yesterdays Cinco do Mayo celebrations.

I really do love the holiday but I dread it coming around because I never feel good the next day. I'm sure you feel the same way if you follow the old "cinco de mayo" tradition. If you do not know what it is I'll explain:

<--- According to this guy, the term "cinco de mayo", in Spanish, means "the 5 mayonnaise." In Mexico they always ate dry tuna until one day a visitor from a strange land brought a bottle of mayo to make some tuna salad. This caused the 5 head's of the Mexican government to call together a meeting, because they were in shock with this daring but possibly tasty idea. They weren't sure if this mixture - of tuna and mayo - would work or be a disaster, however, they took a bite and the "Mexican Mayo Craze of 1778" took off! Nowadays this event is traditionally celebrated by the drinking 5 bottles of mayonnaise, in honor of the 5 head of government.

I'm really not feeling good now, but obviously you are all in my position too, because that's how everyone celebrates the holiday right?

Update: Turns out "Cinco de mayo" has nothing to do with mayonnaise - it actually simply means the 5th of May. Dammit.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Slap-Chop Infomercial - REMIXED

Well looky what we have here folks!
We have a RAP REMIX video for infomercial a "Slap-Chop". If your not familiar with the "Slap-Chop" it is a product that is promoted by Vince Shlomi, a.k.a the "Sham Wow" guy. It seems pretty useful - I usually slap my vegetables with my bare hand but this looks like it might work better. If you know who Vince is, you may remember that he recently enjoyed the company of a prostitute...and by "enjoyed company" I mean she bit his tongue and he beat the hell out of her!
Why would she mess with him? Hasn't she seen what he does to innocent little vegetables!? Jeez, slapping seems to be his cure for everything. Oh well I guess you should just, "slap your troubles away" as Vince would say.

WATCH THE "RAP CHOP" VIDEO:

The video is pretty impressive it was done by DJ Steve Porter.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Poster Analysis: "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past"

So I went and saw "Wolverine" last night (which I enjoyed - not a bad way to start the summer blockbuster season) and when going into the theater I saw the poster for "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past."

Here's my analysis, from what I can tell from the poster:

So this movie looks like your standard Matthew McConaughey film - cute, romantic, fun...awww how sweet...but look closer!

It is clearly about a man who is haunted by the ghosts of 3 ex-girlfriends, who he killed. The tagline reads "You can't always run from your past" which leads me to believe that he has been trying to forget about these murdered exes but can't because he forgot to take down their portraits that hang on the wall of his apartment. Then in steps Jennifer Garner, who is the cute new detective in town, who is on assignment to find him and strangle him with his own scarf.

Now I haven't seen the commercial for this film but I'm almost positive thats the plot. Right?

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Driving a Bus + Texting = Crash

April 30, 2009 in San Antonio, TX - A bus driver crashed into a car in front of him, while driving a bus of disabled passengers, because he took out his phone and started texting. Check out the video below, there's about 43 different angles of the crash. I wonder if the bus driver was texting the guy in front of him saying "watch out!"

I'm awesome at being current with "breaking news", I'm only 3 days behind on this story, that's terrible


Check back tomorrow when I'll let you know who won the 2009 Presidential Election!!

HERE'S THE VIDEO:

That news anchor twitters!? Don't you dare question if he's "hip and with it" or not. Texting while driving = not good. Texting while reading this blog = good!

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Friday, May 1, 2009

In Theaters: "X-Men Origins: Wolverine"

Big news in the comic book movie world! "Wolverine" hits theatres today! I personally haven't seen it yet and honestly I don't understand the huge hype around a movie about a wolverine that escaped from a local zoo that carries around 3 knives in each paw. From the poster above (which is the official poster, I didn't just crudely put that together in MS Paint), I assume that the people are the various zoo workers that try to catch the dangerous animal.

I don't know the full story and characters but this is what I assume:

(Top Left) Joey: The rugged zoo cleaner who is quiet but when someone messes with his cleaning equipment, watch out!

(Middle Left) Crazy Jim: The blind gentlemen who wonders around the zoo inappropriately touching the female customers, on "accident".

(Bottom Left) Jen: Zoo hoe.

(Top Right) Rico: The cool animal trainer who loves the ladies - he would never hunt an animal but quite the milf hunter.

(Middle Right) Rocco: Just out of jail - owner of the zoo.

(Bottom Right) Emily: Loves Rico, but secretly wants to experiment with Jen, has had a fling with the wolverine.

Maybe I should see it, I don't think I'm getting the right idea.